Log in

Here i am... [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

...but you're coming un-done. [19 Jan 2009|12:23pm]
How can you hate someone so much, hate every fiber of their being, and still love them?
I wish I could understand this enigma that I have come to in my life.
I wish I knew why I can't just walk away and realize that I am above it, and above him.
One day I'll be that strong... one day.
Ever since I was a little girl, I always said I never could understand those women who would stay in abusive relationships and make up those pathetic excuses and never walk away. I always said that if I ever got in that position I would be the first one to leave and never turn back.
I still have never been in an abusive relationship, don't get me wrong... but I have come to realize that sometimes, its the emotional shit that really gets you.
You can only be stepped all over and treated like shit and made to feel like you are nothing so many times before you're just emotionally drained.
I've got to get out before I become numb.
I've suppressed the feelings for so long, tied myself together with a smile and acted like things are just fine, that I fear one day... I'll just no longer be able to feel.
And no matter what the situation, no matter what the emotion may be, all you will see on my face is this iced over smile that i've perfected over the years.
I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

So how 'bout them cowgirls? [26 Mar 2008|03:20pm]
Well livejournal, it sure has been awhile.

It seems no matter how far I get... there is always that day when I decide to come back. The memories you hold for me seem to be endless. and I know this to be ture since I just spent approximately the past 3 hours of my life reading back over the past four years and it is INSANE.

Reading some of those posts I feel like I don't even know myself. Livejournal can be such a healthy way to express thoughts and get certain feelings off your chest but when you go back... reading over entries, it really makes you feel like a bonafide psychopath. One day i'm so happy, love my life and can't wait for whats to come, the next day I feel lonely and abandoned. One day I couldn't be more excited for what the future may hold, and then next I am terrified of maturity. It's a strange rollercoaster of emotions but one thing that can never be argued... it's real.

If anything, although at some entries I was shocked and appalled by own maturity level, reading over my past really made me miss it. I wish my biggest problem in life was still who I was going to the movies with on a friday night, or not wanting to go to ALL of my 4 high school classes the next day.

and truthfully, I really miss the people and times contained back in those entries. We had fun, so much fun. just doing the simplest things too. I read an entry where I must have written 9 paragraphs about my weekend that really contained, driving around town, stopping at a few gas stations and a late night visit to wal-mart. Times were so much more innocent and it seemed that I had the time of my life, laughing until I cried, with people I loved dearly. I'm sure I had cares, but when I read over the things that I made out to be life or death... they were nothing.

I don't know who still reads livejournal but if you do, I miss you. I know the livejournal crew isnt the normal ones that I keep in touch with everyday.. so if you are reading this right now, know that I miss and love you.

We've had some good times livejournal, and although it may not prove to be as much fun as in days last when my entire fleet of friends checked this shit hourly, I'm going to make a conscious effort to update more so that maybe in another 4 years, I can come back and reminisce about the new memories I am making now.
I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

the point is they laugh at what you say. [14 Mar 2007|01:23am]
Yo. LJ… what’s up? It's been awhile. So, it's almost spring break of my first year in college. FIRST YEAR IN COLLEGE... that sounds so odd. I feel like I still see my self as like an 8th grader or something.

I find it so odd how life can change so fast, everything you knew... or thought you knew can become complete blurs, and what is now your reality are the things you never in a million years saw coming. To think that now, here in the city I have 6 of the closest friends... who I never even knew existed like 6 months ago. I spend all of my time talking to and worrying about a boy who I could not even fathom would exist if you asked me even 3 months ago. And the people i was closest with in high school... the people i spent all my time with and swore we would be best friends forever... most of them are a thing of the past, people i have not seen nor heard from since the day high school ended.

It’s weird how things change but honestly, i can’t complain. I am having an amazing time and have met some of the most sensational people and i wouldn't trade a day of it for the world. This is my life and I am doing nothing by enjoying living it. Sure, I miss home and living in New York has really made me appreciate the things I took for granted… free space, the sun, the beach, warm weather. But I am gaining an experience that most people could only dream of.
I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

[30 Nov 2006|12:15pm]
Jensen Beach, Florida.

A place I never knew I could miss as much as I do at this very moment.

All I want is to go home. It's the only thing on my mind and at all times of the day. It sounds sad and I know taht it eludes to me having a horrible time in college, but I'm not. these are some of teh strangest emotions I have ever felt. I love it here... I love the city. I love the friends I have made. I love this school. I love my classes. But there is no changing the fact that I am just dying to go home.

Sad as it sounds I dream each night of the trivial things that I will do when I am home again. I know I will be there soon, but right now those 19 days just won't come soon enough. I dont know if college is just more than i bargained for... if maybe i am just not as strong as i thought i was or exactly what it is. i feel like such a child. i want to go back to my comfortable bubble. back to jensen beach hiugh school where the only faces i see everyday are those of people that i ahve known since i was 5. the same people who ahve been there for years. the people i know inside and out and know me just the same.

I won't let myself be a quitter... but sometimes i just feel like that would be the easiest way to deal. to say FUCK IT, fly back to Florida and go to a school like UNF that may as well be JBHS part 2. at least that wya I am close to my home and my mom... and I am guaranteed friends who know me. But on the other hand i know that this is where i need to be, this is where i need to make my career and for that i will stay. But it just gets so hard somethimes. i feel like i find myself calling home in tears way to often and its jyust not fun. but i need this to build charaacter and i know that. i will work through the pain and i will come out a better person in the end. no matter what it takes.

In other news... I ahve been working at Sephora. What a joke. Actually it's probably not as bad as I think it is.. Its just the homesickness setting in. but either way... It's not my favorite. Which REALLY clashes with what you may think of me. I love makeup.. I love doing makeup... I love being near makeup.. I love it. It seems so me.. but really the retail... sell sell sell aspect is what gets to me. because its more than just playing and doing makeup.. its about selling and making money and lying to perfectly nice women. Whatever... I think I will just go to MAC after Christmas break.

Anyway.. If anyone actually read this thank you. i know its scattered i know it probably doesnt make sense but it is exactly what is in my head right now... and so much of it is non sensical.
4 BiTcHs| I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

college life... [19 Sep 2006|11:40pm]
So college... wow. I never thought i'd see the day.

anyway.. college life is really good for the most part. its kinda weird tho bc i saw pictures and heard stories about all of my friends rushing.. and going to football games.. and frat parties and all of that good stuff that you imagine when you hear the word college. but we have NONE of that. none. i live in a big city. in an aprtment building that other regular people share. (and yes, THAT'S the dorm) I walk my ass 20 blocks to school every morning.. to a location that has absolutely no attatchment to the building i live in.. besides being owned by the same people. kids wear clothes that look like they came right off the pages of vogue. even if they look like ridiculous clowns... high fashion is high fashion to these people. i constantly see ballet dancers and people singing. my school is one building 8 floors. my largest class has 22 people in it.

and i like it that way. i do kind of loing for the university life that the others are getting but really, this is so much more me. everyone knows your name. you are so much more than just a number. the teahcers help you, they care about you. i have friends on every floor of the building. there isnt one person that goes to this chool that i have not met at leats once. and as much as i like it. i kinda want to have that big campus experience where one day senior year i meet a kid i ahve never seen before. i dont know, its so different and yet so much the same, so amazing yet so terrible.

but most of all, i miss home. i miss my mom, i miss my bed, i miss my job, i miss my friends, i miss my family,i miss my car, hell i even miss my dogs. i know that thing swill be fine, and honestkly i am fine. i am having fun and thats all that matters.. but really.. i wanna go home.. so bad. but i cant. and i wont. i will not drip out i will not let this transition get to me. but in the end, it really sucks that there will be no home visits until christmas. NONE.
2 BiTcHs| I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

excuse me sir [25 Jun 2006|06:27pm]
If you'd be so kind as to stop haunting my dreams... I'd really appreciate it.
I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

wow. [12 May 2006|11:50am]
So, it's really starting to register... high school... is over. For as long as I can remember I have woken up every morning, collected my books, and gone to school. For as long as I can remember my social status was determined by who I say next to in a lunchroom of all of my peers. For as long as I can remember I have seen the exact same faces everyday. I have watched them all grow, mature and be come adults who come may 24th will scatter throughout the country and may never be seen, by my two eyes again. I know that there will be reunions, and I know that for the most part we all have to come back to our home base, for if nothing else to visit our parents, but I also know that no matter how many friends I have made, or how close I try to remain with certain people, there are others who after next Wednesday I will never again in my life, come in contact with. It’s a scary thing. Life as I know it, is ending, and there is nothing I can do about it

In the next few months I will move 1200 miles away. Away from my friends, family and all that I have known for eighteen years. Honestly the only thing I keep telling myself is, at least Meagan and Charlie will be there. I can say that I am lucky because I will at least have two people that I know from home, two people that I can rely on to get me through; two people that in know will be there for me no matter what to see me through the hard times and the adjustment. But then I look at the situation and to say that in a city of 8 million people, I know two, I have nothing.

I know it sounds stupid, and honestly, I don’t want to complain BUT I am really nervous about the whole rooming situation. I know everyone does it, and I know everyone has the same problems, but really… what if the don’t like me? What if I don’t like them? What if they are already best friends and I am the only outsider? Things like this keep my up at night. I just get so nervous and being 1200 miles away from home, and no car it’s not like I can jump in it and head on back to everything I know. I cant, I have the phone and yes I know I will call my mom every single day, but really what if I get homesick and just can’t take it? I don’t know, part of me thinks that I will do fine and once I get there I will have the most amazing time and never look back, and honestly,. That’s what I am hoping for. But pert of me still has that fear inside. I don’t know I just head to let the feelings out.
2 BiTcHs| I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

oh lj [08 Feb 2006|06:27pm]
i still love you boo

so much stuff has been going on. just got home from colorado.. .leaving for NYC friday morning.. getting ready to leave for school in NYC... cant wait to efing graduate...

had auditions today for crimes of the heart.. i did well... i hope.

anyway thats as much of an update as i have i think...

ps does anyone even read this anymore?
4 BiTcHs| I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

debt? [10 Jan 2006|11:38am]
So i am sitting here at the big JB during my teachers aide third block and i decided now would of course be the perfect time for me to research the national debt... and i really dont know what inspires me to look it up.. but i did.. and let me tell you this information was fascinating. not only is it REMARKABLE that the national debt is over 8 T R I L L I O N dollars... but the fact that it has risen dramatically in the past four years since our good buddy you know who has been in office... anyway... check it out for yourself.. i find it rather intriguing.

Visit the U.S. National Debt Clock

2 BiTcHs| I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

I never thought it would come to this [04 Jan 2006|09:01pm]

I miss you.
I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

Year in Review [11 Dec 2005|06:44pm]
Go to your Calendar and find the first real entry for each month of 2005 (not including memes of course). Post the first line of it in your journal, and that's your "Year In Review".

January: happy new year peeps... i hope this one can only be better than the past... a new yea to have new memories and tons of good times! yes!!!!!!!!

February: I love Meagan Perle because... she leaves me the effing funniest messages EVER at 2:30 in the morning.

March: my history teacher... what an idiot

April: my life is sooo blah but i have decided to not care anymore at all. i love it. i love it. i love it.

May: Shelby Power is my fucking hero.

June: yes thats right folks my SAT proctor was none other than the one and only JANE MOTHER FUCKING KELLY!

July: summer jobs..

August: so yea. first day of senior year! H O L L A.

September: yes. i have been drinking

October: So i made up with a friend that i had a fall ot with a few minths back and i am not going to lie knowing that i have one less enemy is an AMAZING feeling

November: Today is baby making day

December: ahhh myspace
1 BiTcHs| I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

ahhh myspace [03 Dec 2005|12:12pm]
So i feel like i havnet been keeping true to my livejournal, but i just find it SO much more convienient to post myspace blogs.
I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

opening night jitters [17 Nov 2005|11:56pm]
So tonight was opening night of our evening of one acts. it was crazy.i was mad stressed but all in all i think it went really well. i am soo proud of my girls they were amazing and seriously all of our hard work payed off. i couldnt ask for a better cast.

anyway the show runs this weekend friday and saturday at 7:30 so for real, please come and check it out.
I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

Today is baby making day [05 Nov 2005|07:09pm]
so i haven't updated this thing in like YEARS lol.

So much crap has gone on in my life in so little time. i have realized how important the people in my life and how unimportant the little things are. i am blesse with such amazing friends and for awhile i was taking it all for granted. i love jimmy so much and i have really seen so clearly in the last week or so how amazing he is and how truly lucky i am to have him.

thats why.. today is baby making day
I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

interested? [18 Oct 2005|07:00pm]

LJ Interests meme results

  1. being in the mafia:
    I am pretty much the pimpest bitch ever. and i fucking RUN the mafia
  2. coach:
    WOAH who doesnt love purses? and coach purses? they are just classic.
  3. fashion:
    i am a fashion whore. i love it.
  4. hot pink:
    HOT PINK!!! only the best color in the UNIVERSE
  5. lip gloss:
    always gotta have shiny lips... especially when you have an oral fixation..
  6. music:
    music is life. no lies. i could never survive a day without music of some sort. period. i just COULDN'T
  7. pop culture:
    it shaped the way we live our lives today. it is a part of history and an important one.
  8. shows:
  9. tattoos:
    OMG i can not WAIT to get one and i think they are SEXY as hell on guys.
  10. will and grace:
    AMAZING show. hilarious, a great time ALWAYS.

Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.

I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

life... [07 Oct 2005|08:41pm]
So homecoming is over, and its so bittersweet. i had so much fun, but it was so much work and stress getting everything all ready. then when it all ended, it hit me, that was the last homecoming of my life. never again, and its starting to slowly occur to me, as sweet as it is to be a senior, its just as sad. we complain about school and bullshit and drama everyday, but the fact is, this lifestyle is the only thing i have ever known, and the truth is, im scared shtless about what is going to happen to me when its all over and i have to move on. there isnt going to be this security blanket of people that i have known since i was like five to catch me when i start to fall. i want to move to a big city, to a place where i know no one. and as excited as i am, the truth is, ive never been so scared in my life. it makes me cry thinking about all of the good times and good friends that i am going to lose in 8 months. its still 8 months away and i am this upset, i dont even want to know what its going to be like come May.

people told me that once you get to senior year, you just dont care anymore, and its true. i know that the people i have in my life are precious, but i am not in the business of making any new friends bc i really dont want to gain more to lose. it has made me be such a bitch tho and i kind of dont like that. i realized so much that i really dont care, if your not my friend already, your not going to be so why bother being nice, such a horrible attitude but truth be told its the attitude i have.

ahhhh life. so great and so shitty all at the same time, i cant handle this anymore.
I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

a weight has been lifted [04 Oct 2005|03:48pm]
So i made up with a friend that i had a fall ot with a few minths back and i am not going to lie knowing that i have one less enemy is an AMAZING feeling. i feel so much better. YAY!
I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

weekend [21 Sep 2005|09:37pm]
so for once in like a long time, i am actually excited about this weekend. we got floatbuilding, which you know i love. we got casey coffman and possibly dan coming into town, so officially friday night would consist of my three favorite boys in america, under one roof HALLELUIA. sturday night partyin at jimmys. sunday more floatbuilding and then homecoming week. i love it. finally something to look forward to. amen.
I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

drama drama drama.. always drama [14 Sep 2005|02:11pm]
so, hello. my name is Donna and i like who i am. sometimes i can be a bitch and i often let my mouth say things before my brain thinks them through, but dont we all sometimes?

anyway. there is a girl, who shall remain anonymous and a boy who shall do the same who are best friends. they do everything together, everyday, they know where each other is and what they are thinking half of the time, at every single second. they know each other inside and out and have a few inside jokes, like any other friends, some of them are at the expense of others, but they make sure that the others never find out and no feelings be hurt. well then there is another, who again shall remain nameless who one of the two used to have a CLOSE relationship with. things ended on a not so happy note and lets just say that they are farrr from being friends at all. now this third party has friends, who often come in contact with the original two, who like we have already stated are quite loud, boistrous and often laugh and joke accordingly. now through mutual friends of all parties it becomes apparent, or so we think, that person A and B have been saying a great many negative things about person C and pretty much spreading rumors throughout the school. now in reality person A and B have said nothing offensive about this person C yet they have been made out, by all of person C's close friends to be monsters who do nothing but attempt to ruin person c's life, when in reality 3/4 of what they are being accused of never ever took place and the other 1/4 was completely misconstrued. now there is a person, whos feelings are hurt, has hatred towards two people, and thinkss they are being plotted against when in reality it is completely uncalled for. if certain people just didnt say anything, didnt lie and tell otehrs that they heard something they completely didnt, none of this would have happened.

this is why highschool is ridiculous and i can not wait to leave all of this behind for a town where no one knows my name, what i say is kept between myself and those with whom i speak, and no rumors get spread, because they just dont matter. i know that most of life involves stupid drama like this and i will never fully escape it, but i guess i can hope to try. i ahve a big mouth and it sometimes gets me in trouble, and that is probably my biggest weakness, but hey, at least i know it, and can openly admit it right?

i truly feel bad about what is going on in the hypothetical situation above but i think it has been completely blown out of proportion by all parties involved.
5 BiTcHs| I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

i honestly dont know whether or not to be offended [05 Sep 2005|10:23am]
You scored as Regina.










Which Mean Girl Are You??? ((*w/pics*))
created with QuizFarm.com
I WaNNa Be A CrAZy Lil BiTcH ToO!!

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]